i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
