just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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