T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
You pole danced in your parka.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
