New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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