Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
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