im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
i love accidental penises.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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