life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
