she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
