I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
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