I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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