Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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