last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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