apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
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