How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
thus making me awesome and them whores
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
