My nipple is on Facebook.
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
