The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Randomize
