I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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