You're my little dorito
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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