i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
You ate ashes out of my bong
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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