my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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