its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
