i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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