So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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