Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
