I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
