just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
