I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
