I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
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