My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
