ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
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