So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
