I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Randomize
