she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
you will always have a special place in my vag
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
