I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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