I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Randomize
