Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
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