Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
