Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Randomize
