I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
