my mouth tastes like poor choices
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
