He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
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