I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
