I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Randomize
