drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
