I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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