i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
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