To answer your question of whether I "went back," tits just informed me I was kicked out for falling off my barstool and passing out on the floor...
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
