Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
