I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
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