You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
