you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
