Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
